Sun, Sept 26 - Anna-Milena's Visit & Huub's Doing vs Being

"Ik ben blij dat je m'n dochter bent." (I am glad you are my daughter). Three kisses, hand on shoulder, a straight look in the eye and a slight smile; then off to bed. Wel te rusten, H. Ik, blij.

Earlier, I was blown away by comments H made, out of himself, about having/doing vs being, and about distinguishing the voices in his head.

As we made our traditional Wilhelmina Park circuit in the setting sun, he asked how I'm surviving financially, and as part of my answer I remarked how earning a good living had kept me comfortable but not (of itself) 'happy.' Sometimes I feel what he considers most important is financial security, and I've had that, but when I had it did not feel validated in his eyes for having it (ie, it was not really 'enough'). I couldn't help but prod:

"So - were you proud of me when I was working at Goldman Sachs, with a good salary and a pension?"

And he surprised me with the depth of his answer:

"I was always encouraged to do work I found satisfying <?what was this in Dutch?>. And I did. (Others might find some of what I did more or less satisfying...). But I realize I've had the wrong approach. I've been focused on: 'Wat je doet' (what you DO)... rather than focusing on: 'Wie je bent' (who you ARE); I was never encouraged to do that. I find you (M) have a much broader and richer range of emotion and connection and experience; you are more focused on 'wie je bent.' And in my gut (not in my head or my intellect, as a concerned parent), that makes me happy.

I realize it means taking risks. Like going to SF to be with V. Things might not work out the way you hoped. But it's not a waste of time; you're learning more about who you are."

And a little later, as we were rounding the corner to the apartment:

"I've also started noticing how judgemental I am about people. I respond to people with judgement, rather than compassion, for example. I've learned how to be polite, and say acceptable things, so people (some, anyway) think I'm a nice enough guy... But I've arrived at the point where I notice myself making judgements all the time, and I ask myself, why am I responding to people with judgement rather than compassion?"

*************

Anna-Milena dropped by at 10.45am, as agreed after three or four convoluted emails. She had visited with Wim last night while we were out to dinner with Dettie, which MB described to her as an occasion for 'a brother-sister farewell'. I was just getting out of the shower as AM toured the flat with H and selected some paintings to take away: H's geometric ochre painting which MB hates so; Bea Heijmeijer's bowl of pink flowers she gave H after his CVA; a muddy river landscape near Alkmaar with some faint windmills in the distance, which H had promised never to sell; and after some discussion, the embroidered map of The Netherlands, which apparently Dettie had had made especially, and didn't want going to the kringloop.

Out came the Dominee's photos from the rotonda farewell borrel last week (which AM had attended), and AM had brought along some photos Dettie was going to get rid of, and I picked out a handful: Huub speechifying at Mariette's wedding; Wim and Dettie in the caravan (always heard about, never seen); some more recent ones of Wim & Dettie & Anna-Milena.

We had tea and then lunch (courgette soup and MB's bean spaghetti), and talked about AM's drug trial participation in Groningen, looking forward to Dettie's 80th birthday in January despite the tumor in her kidney (she's now lived longer than the '3-6 months' prognosis she was given last April), Wim's traumatic uprooting from Zoetermeer and his caring for his plants at Lelinde and their visit together to Spa in Belgium, the 'herdenking' of the Indonesian troops in WWII (which AM is involved in as part of her WWII work), saving up to take a trip to the US (possibly the summer after next, as Gabrielle and family are planning a visit in 2011).

Her hair is long and thick and graying, her eyes bright blue, her jaw-line starting to display the family jowel-droop, her hips carrying more weight than in my childhood memories of her. She says she's had to get used to not living in Portugal for half the year, and that working on making lingerie with Mariette has helped her with staying put. She is going back to Portugal on Oct 10th, fortuitously, to act as a guide to some distant friends, which she says she loves to do. She had a Portuguese boyfriend last year, but it didn't work out. All in all (what 'all' do I know about??) she seems happy in her skin, interested in her various projects, loved by her family. I hear the voice in my head, 'But what is she UP TO?' and thank it for its contribution.

**************



Wilhelmina Park - Trees gone around Children's Climbing Frame



AM left at 1pm and I napped till 5pm, when J called, followed by skype with P. At 6pm I took a walk in the park with H (and had the conversation mentioned above). Many trees have been cut down as part of a park re-design that is scheduled to take a few years. In the meantime the park is shorn and muddy, and H says he's stopped biking around it because the paths aren't the same without the trees. Upon our return we all had a kir together, then toasted cheese for dinner, and H disappeared to watch the Dutch news at 8pm.


H wondered whether DC would have a French or German bookstore, and I said something about what about a Dutch bookstore and subscribing to a Dutch cable channel at Asbury -- which brought out this unexpected reaction from H:

"I don't want to be living in the US in my body but in Holland in my heart. I would rather make a clean break. I do want to maintain my links to Europe -- but can do that via German and French."

That said, when I asked him, should I still speak Dutch to him once he's in Asbury, he said, 'Oh yes, that will be a relief.' And Gies has shared her on-line NRC password with him, so he'll be able to read quality news in Dutch (MB doesn't think Dutch TV news is much good anyway).